Tag: self-discovery

Happy Within

Posted on by cmryan

Just when I think I might have a challenge coming up with another topic for the week’s blog, I will hear or experience something that removes all doubt and that I MUST share. A few days ago a comment was made about hoping “…this will make them happy.” I shuddered at those words.

Happiness can ONLY be an inside job if it is to have any lasting meaning or significance at all. Certainly there are giggles of delight when someone does a nice thing for you or squeals of surprise when something fun occurs. Those experiences serve to increase the happy feelings and bring them to the emotional surface in a very visible way.

Yet, those reactions are temporary. They fade as quickly as one activity passes on to another or your mood changes. Happiness is yours to express and to share as you wish. YOU get to share it; no one can make you happy. Not really. In fact, you can actually block your own cheerfulness and choose to be in a foul mood, a control technique, of sorts…to damper the spirits and joy of those around you. However, when you carry true joy in your heart and soul, and while you may pause to consider how sad it is that someone you care about doesn’t wish to be happy, their unhappiness is their burden to bear or release as they choose.

I was once in a relationship where the person I was with was actually annoyed that I woke up happy each morning. I was chided for having a smile on my face when I opened my eyes or being upbeat and perky before breakfast. It didn’t matter what I or we were going through in life – and we faced some difficult situations together – it was the only way I knew how to be…happy! Yes, I do express other emotions of disappointment or sadness from time to time, but I always bounce back to and draw from this joyful reservoir. I have come to appreciate my positive disposition. It’s who I Am.

I like to think of true happiness as being this eternal joy that wells up from deep within your soul. You carry it with you always. Like love…peace…compassion…beauty…etc. As you never really run out of these qualities, the only way to not experience them is to not use them…to not acknowledge them. What I have found is that the more you do use, experience and share these eternal qualities, the greater they become as expressions of who you are. Isn’t that wonderful!?

I believe this joy is directly linked to the trust and faith we have in God. The more we can rely on that Higher Power to support and direct our lives, the greater happiness we experience. I know this to be true for me…so it must be possible for you, too. Try it. Don’t worry…be happy.

 

Moderation

Posted on by cmryan

I love days like these…cloudy, a bit cold outside, listening to spa-like music of piano and violins…and the time to write undisturbed. This moment follows a vacation day from the pulpit, so I’m feeling recharged, contemplative and very grateful. I enjoy my work; I also appreciate the occasional Sunday off. It helps keep life in perspective. I believe too much of any one thing is either an obsession or a burden leading to resentment. But what is enjoyed or repeated in moderation allows the mind and body to fully appreciate its temporary nature. After all, all of life is temporary to some degree.

This is not something I understood much, if at all, twenty years ago…or even five years ago. Given my upbringing and early adulthood, I felt it was required to not only “suck the marrow” (Thoreau) out of each life experience before releasing it, but to do it quickly, urgently, before it got away or was taken away…and my opportunity was gone. Savoring an experience and trusting it could repeat itself – even if in a slightly different form – was a foreign concept to my old way of thinking. Fortunately, I can now appreciate a slower, richer pace…and still accomplish all I set out to do.

That’s one of the principles taught in many meditation classes: take the time to meditate each day and you will actually find you create more time to get things done in life. Another benefit to doing things in moderation is the ability to “enjoy the journey.” By slowing down, being mindful and focused, you can fully embody the experience you’re having rather than rushing through it and only skimming the surface of what it really offers.

This idea became vividly apparent when I was learning massage techniques…I had to slow down in order to really feel the muscles and the repairs needing attention below the skin’s surface. It also allowed the muscles time to respond to the pressure I was applying and releasing…to bounce back and heal. While I do very little massage anymore, a similar example is now being expressed through the piano lessons I must practice and comprehend.

It’s impossible to learn to play the piano well in one day…or one week…or even one month. Yet by steady and repeated practices, I do see progress. I can now read most of the notes on the bass clef; something that was a frustrating mystery a couple months ago. I hear myself getting better with each painful hour I spend at the keyboard – painful for others who may be listening, so I’m now wearing headphones to save them the agony.

It does my body and mind little good right now to work at my piano lessons for more than an hour at a time. Moderation is the key. Practice. Walk away and do something else. Practice. Do some stretches or take a walk. Practice. Go to work, write an article or sermon. Practice. Each time I come back to the keys, I feel stronger in my skills…I notice my progress…my hands seem to remember what they’re supposed to do. This moderation routine allows me to make greater headway AND enjoy the overall experience, rather than beating myself up verbally, practicing hours on end, and becoming frustrated because I don’t see that I’m getting it as fast as I think I should.

Would I like to learn more quickly? Of course! In the meantime, I am enjoying the process. I’m marking the pages of accomplishment each week. I’ve discovered old family music sheets that I can learn along the way (for variety from the lesson plans). I listen to music in a whole new way and am humbled by the talent all around me. And my body is grateful for the diverse physical positions throughout the day.

My new mantra is:  EVERYTHING in moderation!

Try it. Enjoy it. Live it.

Deciding Long-Term

Posted on by cmryan

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get ‘it’ all down…how to live this thing called Life successfully enough that I don’t need to have so many do-over’s or RE-awakenings. Like making decisions. I make several a day: what to eat or wear; which project to work on first; scheduling appointments, what music or movie to enjoy, etc. I’m grateful that I get to choose such things for my life. These types of decisions don’t have major significant consequences, but there are others that do…others that have long-term effects.

What I’ve been RE-awakened to are some decisions I made several years ago that seemed insignificant at the time. This has to do with my landscape plans and the large trees I decided to plant. When the trees went in I knew full well how large they could get, how wide they would be, and how and where their deep roots might grow and wander. The thing is I had no plans to be living on this property by the time they became a concern. Well, plans change and here I am, facing the consequences of my former landscape decisions.

In the Science of Mind textbook (p. 388.4) Ernest Holmes writes: “And so we prepare not to die, but to live.” This now is a great reminder about what perspective to have when making decisions of any kind, but especially long-term ones.

Had I made my previous tree-planting decisions with the thought of being the person who would now be trimming, or even eliminating, one large tree (and several smaller ones), I definitely would have made different choices. One of the key influences to my decision-making process is that, up until recent months, I moved homes every two to four years. Sometimes, I moved more often than that. The idea of living in one place long enough to actually watch a tree mature and become a nuisance was entirely foreign to me. Now, it’s rather comforting to imagine that possibility.

I have this vision of growing ancient in this home…of tending gardens and planting perennials… of building sandboxes and playing with many grandchildren on the swing set of our children… of hearing each floor squeak get louder each winter… of crafting from piles of endless stored supplies… of actually sitting on the front deck to watch the sunrise in the summer… and a myriad of other activities as the years float by. With such a vision before me, the decisions I make now are for the long-term. Thus, they are made with greater forethought and consideration than in years past… the way I wished I had made them to begin with when I planted all these trees.

I will make a formal amends to the trees that now must be cut down to stop the damage to my home’s roof and foundation. And I’ve learned to make better choices in every area of my life as a result of this experience… as some decisions are certain to outlive my mortal body. For now, I “…prepare not to die, but to live” a long, healthy and wisdom-filled life.

Celebrate Life NOW!

Posted on by cmryan

Halloween happens to be my favorite holiday. Sometimes it’s just easier to be your ‘true’ self from behind the safety of a mask…or so I’ve told myself in the past. Fortunately, I no longer need a costume or a mask to be my authentic self, to be happy, or to have a little fun. It’s a matter of being comfortable with who I AM….and having my happiness and joy come from the inside, not from other people or various situations.

This new ability to be happy as I AM rather than because of something around me has impacted my perspective of this special October event. I no longer feel the need to wait until one particular day to dress up, decorate rooms with odd décor, act weird, or give away treats to strangers. I can do that anytime. (Be alert – you never know what might happen around here.) No, I’m not losing my mind. It’s actually a great way to live in the moment and enjoy what I have now.

Many years ago I read a piece by Erma Bombeck entitled, “If I Had My Life to Live Over”  ( http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/11882.Erma_Bombeck ) that planted a seed for this change of attitude. I also watch those around me who are ahead in years and wisdom as they use up or easily discard one family treasure after another – giving away things to family members, friends or charity – in an intense effort to make use of their collections or to clear out the burden of accumulating too much of life’s stuff. Once I started doing the same, my attachment to possessions, houses, cars, jobs, etc. all changed, too. What I know to be true for me now is that, for something to be kept in my possession for any length of time, it must be regularly used or displayed, or else it is shared or gifted away

It takes time for some seeds to really take root. We often call that maturity or part of the growing (aging) process when we finally recognize such wisdoms. I don’t have to wait for “someday” to enjoy and appreciate the abundant blessings that are mine. It’s happening now! I don’t need to wait until the right moment (event or holiday) happens before doing something special. I create the right moment. It’s always the right time for joy and happiness…to look for the Good in Life. And if there’s a holiday to remind us to celebrate the Good, all the better!

Peaceful Easy Feeling

Posted on by cmryan

My week currently starts with Sunday afternoon…after church is done and I’ve changed into my comfy clothes. I either unwind with a trip to the movie theater or a couple of hours walking in nature.

Recently I chose the latter, walking in the afternoon sun around a small lake, stopping to sit and enjoy the views and the warm breeze. My husband and I were both lost in silence as our steps traveled the gravel path. The dog, too, kept to herself and was relatively quiet during the whole excursion. My mind was filled only with peace and contentment.

That peaceful, easy feeling has remained with me since. It opened me to the interconnectedness of all creation. This internal quiet heightens my awareness of the Oneness of Life. It encourages me to be mindful of what is before me at this moment. Such peace invites compassion and patience into each interaction I have with another life form – plant, animal or human. Such peace fills my whole being with a deep love born of God, of Spirit.

Divine Love knows no bounds; has no exceptions; is without limit, powerful and ever-lasting. Its depth is beyond that of human emotion. Let me give you a comparison.

If you’ve ever been on a small to mid-size passenger boat (not a cruise ship) and taken a ride out into the ocean for an hour or two, you can feel the movement of the ocean beneath your feet, separated only by the boat’s hull. As the boat rises and falls through the waves, you might notice the power of the ocean as water meets boat, yielding, but firm. The boat provides your connection to the unknown depth below. There’s a mystery of the life within the liquid darkness. In every direction there is only the majesty of the ocean. Suddenly, you realize you can no longer see any shore. The power and depth of the immensity that stretches out all around you is humbling and awe-inspiring.

That is what Divine Love feels like to me…powerful, deep, immense, humbling and awesome!

I am cradled through my trust in a Universal Presence. My soul is protected through all eternity. Whether I can see ahead in my journey through unknown or dark situations, rising and falling as my beliefs allow, I am propelled ever forward. I am always connected to this Divine Love, anchored in the knowing that I am never alone, no matter what stretches out before me. Spirit resides within me, and I within It, embraced in waves of Love.

I am at peace in my surrender to this immense Power.

And so it is…

If Today Was My Last…

Posted on by cmryan

In one of our spiritual classes, we learn about the benefits of mindfulness. It’s a practice that applies not only during meditation, but also in our practical, daily lives. To see clearly what is before you… preferably without attachment or judgment… to objectively see “what is.”

I was gifted this experience most profoundly while caring for my infant grandson. He finally fell asleep by my side as we rested on a comfortable chaise near a sunlit window. At first I occupied my busy mind with mundane electronic games to pass the time until he would eventually awake. Then his baby snores caught my attention and focus. His steady breathing, the fresh baby smell at the top of his head, the touch of his little hand on my arm…all these gave me clarity to see the gift we were to each other in that moment, just by being aware of his presence in my life. Time stood still and silent.

I thought, “If today was my last day of life, this is how I would choose to spend part of it… in such a moment as this.” It was clear to me that I would choose to fill up my final hours with the joy of being alive and being with those I love… to be gifts to one another.

As we cuddled in the quiet, my mind moved on to other ways I would spend my last day in this physical realm… chatting with granddaughters about their school days and dreams… discussing with my sons and daughters the meaning of life, the importance of love, and encouraging them to always seek spiritual and personal growth… sending out one more message to all my family and friends about how wonderful they are and how much they add to my life… taking a walk in my neighborhood in the cool of the day… pointing out where all the important papers are… playing the piano… giving away cherished items… playing tug-of-war with my dog… and having dinner with my husband, teasing and laughing together as we often do, sharing one last embrace as the sun goes down and the moon rises…

Not once did I think of extravagant trips to far-away lands or daredevil acts to perform. There was no fear or sadness. There was no place else I thought of going…only “being” in that moment next to this little soul. Only feeling love and wonder! It is forever etched in my mind and heart.

The greatest awareness of this experience is realizing I am already doing these things. I choose to do something every day to fully express my joy and gratitude in being alive… in connecting with Life. While I am not anxious to leave this physical realm any earlier than necessary, I am content with my existence and purpose, and with the person I have become, knowing my evolution is not yet complete… nor will it ever be. And, yes, I am now more mindful… more loving… more grateful… more aware… more Spirit.

 

Stay and Grow

Posted on by cmryan

I recently watched a movie (The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel) that had a profound impact on me. It initiated a discussion with my husband in which I became aware of hidden beliefs about where to live that even I had not recognized before. While it is not the desire of either of us to move to India, moving homes has come rather easily to me. My best estimate is that I have lived in at least 47 locations (homes) throughout my life. I’ve never regarded any of them as a permanent residence, including my current home…up until now. And THAT realization is a bit unsettling for several reasons.

I realized most of my life has been built on chaos and transition, always looking forward to a better job, a better marriage, a nicer place to live, more time for me, always striving for improvement, etc. I’ve spent years examining my beliefs about most of these issues and applied various methods to resolve them. 

  • First, I’m happy to say this is the BEST marriage of my life – the most fulfilling and the longest! What has been key for us is having a spiritual base in common and lots of honest and respectful communication.
  • Second, the job as a minister is the most satisfying career for me, utilizing all the skills and experiences gained in every position previous to this one…yet providing ample opportunity for personal and spiritual growth. I love what I do!
  • Next, by addressing my workaholic tendencies, I now create time to do things I enjoy without the guilt; taking mini-breaks throughout the day (e.g., lunch on the deck); even taking one day off each week (hey, it’s a start). In the process, I’m actually getting more done than I was before.
  • Lastly, my house is a work-in-progress…like me. The house has been my primary artistic expression for the past 15 years. It inspires me. And I’m more ‘me’ here than anywhere else. We got married in this house, watched our kids grow up here, and modified parts of it to meet our particular needs and space requirements. I also really like living within walking distance to the center of our small town.

So why my distress over whether to move or not…yet again? What I recognized is that I have held the belief that in order to “grow” into the person I am to become, I need to expand in the physical realm as well – like a larger house or in a location with acres of woods and walking trails where I can contemplate with God. Where did THAT come from? Simply… race consciousness… comparing to others. Enough already.

I’m ready to stop the transitory lifestyle and mental chaos, the endless search through real estate ads for the “perfect place” that will never match up to what I already have and now truly appreciate. It’s time to unpack my office boxes, hang the towel bars and the photographs, organize the nightstand, and create my own personal space because finally I recognize that I’m worthy of having it. Some might call this putting down roots. True. This feels good… resolved… and is how to truly grow strong and confident in one’s own abilities.

No matter how many times I’ve gone away, I’ve always wanted to return here…to THIS house. I’m grateful we listened to the Spiritual voice that nudged us back to this place, one of creativity, security and love… my home. Now I can focus on what really needs to change and grow – me.

Time for Action!

Posted on by cmryan

Have you ever heard of analysis paralysis? It’s when you’re so entrenched in research, analyzing, comparing, judging options, etc. that you can’t make a decision. You don’t think you know enough to do the next correct thing. So you don’t decide on an action step. You just keep collecting information. The thing is, if you make a decision – your best one possible – and then move forward into action, you will actually gain more insight and experience to move forward in your plan, adjusting and adapting as you go along.

I have another one for you to consider: education hesitation. This is similar to the above immobilizing phrase, but in a different sense. It has to do with the beliefthat…if you only had a little more education or went to a few more workshops or took additional retreats or met with a couple more experts/authors…then you would have what it takes to fill the role you say you want. Education hesitation comes from a sense of insecurity that you don’t quite know enough YET to be the person to do the job or start that business. It’s a way to hide out from really interacting with the world–just keep going to school. How do I know this? I used to do it. Thus, I can easily recognize it in those around me.

There’s a colloquial saying that states: “Sh*t or get off the pot.” It means stop avoiding what you say you want to do; make a decision and show some action toward your intended goal. There have been times when I wanted to make that statement to a friend or two…when they tell me of yet ANOTHER class they need to take before they can do whatever. But I’m trying to demonstrate patience and nonjudgment, so I stay quiet. Up until now.

Yes, it’s good to do research…to make an educated decision. Everyone should commit to “due diligence” when making a major change in life. Then, when you’ve discovered all you can, for now, move forward! Have Faith and Trust. Know that you’ll make some mistakes along the way. The truth is you will never know EVERYTHING there is to know about anything. Accept that and act anyway! There will always be something more to learn, one more perspective to consider, one additional piece of information to be found. If you wait until you think you know it all – if you hesitate too long – the opportunity to experience your heart’s desire may be gone before you get to live it. You will actually learn a great deal more by living in the role or situation than just reading about it. I’m a prime example of education hesitation.

Even though I spent numerous years obtaining a bachelor degree and later a masters, while putting in 25 years or so in corporate administrative support, working for high-level executives and gleaning whatever management tips and absorbing words of wisdom they were willing to share…then nearly six years as a church administrator, as well as simultaneously studying to be a minister…nothing is so eye-opening as to actually BE in the senior leadership role I am now blessed to experience…to live and do and be.

All of those prior experiences were invaluable; they helped prepare me – to some degree. Yet, I learn something more EVERY DAY that didn’t come from a research paper or a class or even a former job. Stepping into this role has allowed me to grow intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, in relationship with others, and in ways I never could have imagined. Yes, I make mistakes. I adjust and regroup on occasion. I might even take a step back, move in a different direction, make amends, or read another book. But I keep moving forward and upward in my own evolution. I wouldn’t trade that for all the research documentation in the world!

I rarely give advice to anyone. Today is an exception: Get off the pot! Don’t let education hesitation keep you from becoming the fullest expression your soul came here to be. Start living the dream you claim is yours!

 

In the Company of Spirit

Posted on by cmryan

My meditation practice has been sporadic and undisciplined for much longer than I’d ever intended or cared to admit. I truly love the benefits of regular meditation. I get lost in the bliss and solitude, making it difficult to return to the physical world. Therein lies my desire: to be in meditation within the active realm of life.

Fortunately, I’ve been introduced to many methods of meditation. In fact I teach my students from this resource of awareness and practices, and am fully open to learning more, to experiencing more. A recent trip to a local sanctuary allowed me to guide a class through a number of different meditative practices, and then turn them loose to create their own experiences while I was free to delve into my favorites. It was a lovely afternoon of peace, serenity and new understandings for all.

The day’s favorite for me was walking the labyrinth…a beautiful classic design forged in rocks and boulders amidst trees and shrubs – both within the paths and surrounding the circle. Very mindfully, and quite alone, I slowly travelled the walkways laid out before me. I carried a flower, symbolically a gift to Spirit for the privilege of being there.

As I pondered my purpose and intention of the walk, head down but eyes open so as to avoid stumbling over tree roots or odd-shaped boulders, I heard someone’s step near the outside edge of the labyrinth. “Someone just passing by,” I thought casually and returned my focus to my intention and solitary walking. Within a couple of minutes and from another part of the meditation circle, again I heard someone stepping near the edge of the labyrinth. This time I looked up to see who was there.

No one. At least no human form was nearby or even within view of where I was standing, now paused in the dappling sunlight and the warm breeze. Then I heard it…a clear message from that eternal voice, which said, “I’m walking with you; you’re never alone.”

In that moment – a microsecond of time – I could feel Life smiling at me. And I smiled back.

Funny, I hadn’t thought about feeling lonely. The day, the week, had been filled with activities that included many people. While I had been serving in various capacities, I had also felt served by others. Then I realized the significance of this message…Spirit, God, is with us always, even when we’re feeling exceptionally good. Often we seek out our Spiritual connection when challenges are pressing us down to our knees; we call out for help through prayer and find comfort to make it through. We don’t have to wait that long.

We can feel that connection when things are going well and easy, too. We can offer prayers of gratitude for all the Good in our lives and more yet to come. In that moment of peaceful awareness in the midst of the labyrinth, I was once more assured of my relationship to the Divine…and all the Love and Serenity that are mine – any time I accept it…when I’m open to it.

That’s the purpose of meditation for me – to be more open to the Divine. So now I’m ready for greater discipline…to significantly and joyously deepen my practice. It’s time for another walk with Spirit. See you later.

Catch-Up…or Not

Posted on by cmryan

Ever since we moved back to our family home earlier this year, there has been a line of boxes waiting to be emptied. One room after another, items have been put away, given away, or tossed away. The artwork is finally going up on the walls. The heavier drapes are being hung in time for the cool nights of autumn. Life’s activities continue one day after the other amidst a stack of this or pile of that. Still, some boxes remain, with contents patiently awaiting a return to usefulness or the trash bin.

Occasionally I declare that it would only take a few days to “catch up” with all of it and things would be back to normal…that I would no longer need to look at these cardboard containers stacked around my office. When I tried that approach – taking a couple of days to unpack files into drawers, books unto shelves, and knick-knacks into corners – the other part of my life fell into panic…the deadlines and projects that I needed to pay attention to came due with amazing speed and stress. I traded one irritation for another.

The truth is, this IS normal…for as long as I can remember. There have always been boxes sitting around in some corner, filled with memories…numerous photograph albums, school papers, childhood gifts, and tidbits from relationships. Throwing these things away seems sacrilegious – all are parts of me. But every once in awhile, when we move or I need to get to something in the far back corner under the bottom of the pile, I’ll look through a box and determine that at least SOME item is no longer necessary to whom I’ve become. I’ll toss it into the wastebasket or ask one of my adult children if they want it. They never do. Why would they?

Frankly, I’ve come to accept that there is no “catch up” either. Time is time. We can’t save it up to use it later. We can only spend it as we live each day…fixing meals, working, hanging pictures, creating art or crafts, playing with grandchildren, working, visiting with friends, sleeping, driving, cleaning, recreation, working, studying, reading, writing, working, etc. (If you’ve followed this blog, you already know that, for me, working is a priority.) But sometimes I can empty a box or two.

I think the reason I resist the boxes is because of their contents. I want to explore each container indepth…look at each piece of paper to determine its value…fondly remember the goings on in my life at the time the item was gifted to me and by whom…make sure I throw nothing away that I’ll regret  later for having done so. No one can really assist me in this process. It’s a solitary endeavor. I’m the only one who can decide what stays and what goes…or how important that piece of paper is to my current existence. For example, reviewing the several small boxes of greeting cards received for all those special occasions during the past few decades from my loved ones. My husband has his own collection, too. We finally agreed that maybe it would be okay to reduce our “collections” and keep only a few of the most precious of these cards…when we have the time to look at them.

I know, eventually, all this will get sorted out. I’d just like to do it while I’m the one still making the decisions and so my children don’t get stuck with it. However, it’s not ALL going to happen today. And for now, I’m okay with that.